Smiling but not smiling

today -- thought it's going to be a good day.
stretched my body, refreshed my mind.

it will be alright, it will be a better day.
it should be.

One after another,
getting hit by every corner of this environment,
am i heard out there?
anyone who could lift my soul and assure that i can do it again.

purity

it's getting more complicated and smeared with dirts
don't think they can be removed,
but how can i do to get rid of them?

they only press my heart heavily even more than before,
is this where you wanna draw your life?

just another hit
just another day
it shall pass
easier to say it

can't wait to really... open my wings.
but when.

whole body is shaken
emotion is shaken

Doubts and Anxiety

Those two words...
They aren't new.
and they are in me for some time.

Where do I release these blocked feeling and tightness?
Who do I express this to, really.

They are flooding in -- and I do not wish to let worry to control my mind.
The current state of my mind.

All the things, when I finally thought that it'd be over.
Step by step
Take it slowly... all these comforting words.
They mean ordinary.

Do you really feel it?
Do you really understand this?

No one will.
No one can.

I feel trapped -- I feel caged.
in this foreign land that I thought I could call it a home.

Layers of emotions

Be a grown-up, they said.
But I will never be.
I am trying, but never fail to fall into this pond of carelessness.

Be mature and think wisely, I heard.
Thousands of times - ringing in my ears.
But I will never be.
Because I can't stop repeating what I've been doing.

Where are you going?
What are you looking at?

Surface of all these leaves regrets -
regrets that you've already mapped out,
un-plannedly.

Just another day.
Looking at one's eye shrinks the love that I thought I've always had.

It could just be this day.

In the Heat of the Moment

Ideas are flowing and bouncing - but there's no way to arrange them in order.
Everywhere and anywhere

In this moment of uncertainty,
it's nobody to blame but pray for it be over.

We've got to think about it again,
well, it's made me think about why and what I've been doing here.
Mind is running - still do not know how to organise this busy mind.

... so what is 'it'?

Strange Dreams

Just past few days...
I have dreamt quite frequently and I can remember all of them. And, they are quite strange.
They do make my heart beating faster and nervous.

Unexpected and inappropriate.
(literally), what the heck.

I see that person for 2-3 times now in my dreams. Why.

Regret and Nervous

Another blood test this year. This time, I am more nervous that the previous one, and I really do feel shitty about myself.

Disgusting. What have I done. 

Right now, the only way I can get over this to pray and wait for the result. I will need to have my peaceful mind and be calm to receive the result. I am feeling very bad for my partner and myself.

Is this a punishment that I am getting after all these years?
I've not been taking care of myself and definitely careless about it.



My assumption tells me something and it all makes sense after all.
- coughing for a few months
- feeling tired and weak quite often.
- shit.
- shit.
- shit.

Really.

What have I done to myself.

공허함

같은 배를 타고 있다고 생각했었는데...
같은 방향을 향하고 있다고 믿어었는데...
결국 한 마스크를 쓰면서 지금까지 왔다는 건가...?
감성적으로 보지 않도록 나름 노력을 해왔건만, 결국에는 다시 이렇게 돌아오는 거 같네.
서로 챙겨주고 보살펴 주고 있다고 그렇게 난 나름대로 이 사람들에게 자부심을 가지고 있었는데, 단 한사건으로 모든게 다 무너져 내리는것 같다. 아니, 무너진것 같다.

참, 안타깝다.

이렇게 얇은 믿음과 신뢰로 지금까지 버텨온걸까?
왠지 이제부터는 얼음 위를 걷는 기분일것 같다. 예전처럼 그들을 똑같이 볼수 있을것 같지는 않다. 이게 '카르마' 라고 하는 건가보다. 솔직히 이런 단어들은 믿고 싶지 않았는데...

다시 사람들에게 상처받고, 상처를 주고, 완전히 아물기 전에 또 다시 한번 상처를 이렇게 받다니... 사람들에게 치고 치이는 이 세상에서 정말 내가 한없이 믿을수 있는 사람은 없는 걸까? 

그 사람에게는 내가 잘 해주었는데...
한없이 잘해주고 또 잘해주었는데...

그냥 단 한번의 실수도 아닌 실수로 인해 이렇게 그냥 무너지고 마는거네.
하... 한숨만 계속 나오네. 어찌하여 내 입장이 되어서 생각을 못하는 걸까? 왜 모든것이 내 잘못이 되어야만 하는걸까? 나는 그토록 그쪽을 이해하고 넘겨주고 마음에 품지도 않았는데 말이다. 어떻게 지금까지 다 기억하고 이런 일들이 있으면 항상 과거의 일들을 꺼내어 무기로 사용하는걸까. 너무 안타깝고, 가끔은 진짜 유치하다. 이해를 하려 했건만, 다시 한번더 나의 사과로 이렇게 넘어가는 걸까? 그래서 사람들이 모든 이들에게 잘 해주어야 한다고 그러는걸까? 돌아오니까. 못해주면 못해주는 것 만큼 돌아오니까.
어찌하여 나는 바보처럼 계속 당하는 느낌이 드는 걸까? 그러기도 싫고 그러면 안 되는데...
아님, 그냥 다 접어 버리고 떠나버릴까?

떠난다...
떠나는 그 단어가 지금은 생소하다.